Not knowing

There are several times throughout someone's life when they must make decisions, and they may never know if they made the right one. But they hope to see some sort of light that shows them something that will comfort them. I, not too terribly long ago, made a decision that changed my life. I actually made 2 decisions. One was moving, the other was much more personal. I know for a fact that if I hadn't moved, the second decision wouldn't have been an issue. In short words, I feel as I have ruined someone's life, or their life as of right now. I did them wrong, and I want to apologize greatly, but am completely afraid that it's going to make everything worse for them.  I knew from the start that I was an awful person, and that I didn't deserve them to be anywhere near my life. I tried to tell them but they closed their ears and didn't want to listen. Now I'm sitting here filled to the max with regret. If I could take everything back, I would in a heart beat. I would take all the sadness, pain, and any other feelings that I had caused and would throw them out the window, crying for them to never return. When I think of this person, I as if I have done the very thing that I have despised for the entirety of my life. He loved me deeply, and I loved him back just as deeply. I felt something that I never knew I could... I don't know if I can ever feel that again. I have always told myself that I would be better off alone. By myself with nothing but friends. Nothing. I'm not a fool to know that I have done horrid things, and I'm no fool to know that not having that special someone is a lonely life, if a life at all.

The only that I really want to say to this person is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the point that I feel terrible about being with someone now, I feel awful when I start to enjoy myself, I wish I could make everything go away for you. I'd be willing to take everything on myself. I'd be willing to be cursed for the rest of my life...as long as it is me...and nobody else. For there is no other person in this world that deserves what I deserve from you.

Pure Hatred.

Mermaids and languages

So, for the company that I work for they have decided they needed a mermaid, and I have volunteered. But I need to make this mermaid mine. Something that is completely original, unique, or how else you wish to say it. It needs to be new. So, I have decided that I must make a language. One that is beautiful and one that could be sung for I dearly love to sing. There so far isn't much of a problem, I have researched how to write a language, and to make one that is truly complicated but with a full history, I would need at least seven years. I began thinking that maybe I could just start creating something letter by letter and as the years go on, keep a record of all language changes but better it in any way I can. For some reason, every time the word "language" comes up, I think of the color blue, like ocean blue.

Over whelmed

So, I am overwhelmed with a position that I have placed myself. It seems tat I am completely wrong in the fact that I know what love is. I thought that I had it for someone, then I thought I fell out of it. But I also thought you couldn't fall out of love....no matter who they are. Then I met someone, someone else, and I thought that I again fell in love, and tonight I feel like I'm not. I'm unsure about everything. I don't even know if I'm going into the right profession anymore. I feel like all I'll do is work work work...and never satisfy myself in any shape or form. I don't know how to explain how I feel...other than I'm not happy. I don't know what's what, and I long to just run away from everything. To just disappear...never to return. I've never wanted to be put into a situation like this. I always have dreamt that  that I would fall in love and then I would be happy every day of my life. Even if my day was awful and I was angry, I would go home to the man I love. Yet, I can't seem to figure out who that is. I just wish things could be so much easier. I don't know how much longer I can take this pressure. Things need to work out soon...or I ... I don't know what I will do....

It's Hard

So, I work in a place of jugglers, poets, and all things that are beautiful. When I was in high school I was there but I didn't stand out. I wasn't special. High school was one of those things where I was a person who nobody was interested in dating or other things of the sort. I had some friends but nothing great. Well, when I started working at the place where I am now, everything changed. I became overwhelmed by men who thought I was beautiful, wonderful, and fit perfectly with them. Their friends agreed on this and told them not to screw it up. Well, I'm one of those people who feels awful when I make a person feel bad. Well, here's the thing. I don't mean to sound snobby and all that, but there are three men who have confessed to me. Not all at once but....okay here is background. First year out there I met a man, we will call him Bob. Bob and I started dating that Christmas. Well, he is my first love. A part of me still loves him, I still care for him deeply. But a year later I went to college in LA...long distance relationship. When I got out there I was among many talented actors and I needed to step up my game. Needless to say, long distance requires a lot of focus and effort. Well, it started to hold me back from my acting, it blocked my acting. I eventually tried to break up with him. And I did, but it only lasted until I got back home. Then I saw him again and broke down.I tried to push back, but I hate hurting people, and he needs me. I will break his heart and destroy him...he'd fall into a deep depression. I can't have that guilt... I can't hold it...I won't be able bere that weight. So, things are so complicated. There are times where I miss him, I miss his comfort... But I've become attached, or rather cared for someone else. And now my heart is torn into two pieces. We will call him John. He's a great guy. He cares for me deeply, just the same amount as Bob...I'm not sure what I should do. Then there is a man, who cares for me just as deeply. He I think I can handle, but it's Bob... I can't ... I can't say goodbye and I know I need to... I'm frightened.

I don't understand

I've rewritten this so many times I'm not sure where to start. Everything seems so complicated to me and yet everything is simple. Confused?...so am I. Here, it all comes down to one question. How do you get friends? Now, I'm invisible and yet I am. It's like this. I am a painting. People are admirers who pass through the museum of life and stops by my painting. Each one sees it and begins admiring, gasping at the beauty, etc. But here's the thing, none of them goes close enough to see the brush strokes, and the many blended colors. It doesn't make sense to me. But, every guy who passes me wants to be either my father or lover. SO, when I finally let someone in, I intend for them to understand who I am and how I am extremely complicated. I thought that that was what a friend is...one who understands. I guess I'm wrong with that, so I don't really know. What do you think? I mean, I am not one that can say "you aren't being a good friend, this needs to end." I can't hurt anybody, even if they hurt me...I find hurting others like this is inhumane. Am I wrong? What the hell am I suppose to do? Be the mean bitch or let everything get more complicated.

Reason for the blog

So, many people start a blog for some reason or other. Mine you may ask? Well, there really isn't a reason beyond the fact that there are times in my life that I just want to blog about a subject and it bothers me because I don't own one. So here it is...Life's Stories is a blog about anything that really comes to my mind. Recently I have been looking at relationships and are they worth it? Am I in love? Or am I in love with the thought of being in love? That type of thing. So I'll start by giving you a little information about myself. I am currently 19 soon to be 20 in September. It is August 2011 and I am currently living in Minnesota.Something actually interesting?.... I'm an inspiring actor. I dream of one day being on the big screen. Though, I will start off on the stage, I know that much. My life?...So not normal. For starters, my father is a 3rd degree black belt...old fashion too. My brother is going to be a pastor along with his fiance. Mom is a secretary for a city close by....I am the only normal one personality wise, and abnormal in ambitions. I like a life that is full and exciting, this is why I move to LA for school....Talk about different and exciting. I try to be funny but fail mostly, so deal with it. :) Usually I'm very calm and happy but when you piss me off, O.o there will be trouble. So yeah, not sure how much I should write and considering I have to get up at 6:30am (not too early but early enough) and it is 10pm I should sign out. Besides, who wants to bore my readers...if there are any lol. Well good night and sleep well friends!